Pepsi Presents : Prof. M. Joshua Kirby III Esq.

I'm done with this forever as of now. Any requests to continue writing will be ignored with extreme prejudice.

Anyone who's foolish enough to have read this for a while, or read all the back entries for no good reason, knows that I like ragging on movies before I see them.

Keanu Reeves in The Day The Earth Stood Still. I'm a big fan of old, cheesey sci-fi. Science fiction, like westerns, is more often than not a thinly veiled parable for the problems with the real world. The old Sci-fi is so much fun because they tried so hard, but just didn't have the resources. Modern sci-fi has the big budgets that these old directors would have killed for. They end up as the same ham fisted parables, but now with more faux-gravitas. That said, I loved the original Day The Earth Stood Still, and I hate Keanu Reeves.

Also the comments call Keanu a great actor and perfect for Klaatu. Fuck this modern millenium.

Choke. I remember recently complaining about how shitty this book was, but I can't remember where. It might have been here. Really awful.

Roland Emmerich does anything. Roland "I'm gonna fuck shit up no matter what it takes, ja?" Emmerich is famous for fucking shit up no matter what it takes, and for being german. His movies are basically just vehicles for destruction. Fanstastic Voyage takes place inside the human body. Things can't blow up in there. I dunno how this'll work.

Ever try to write without the letter e? There were seven e's in that first sentence. Another 10 there. I could keep doing that forever, but you'd probably stop reading at around the first time. Anyways:

50,000 words. No E.

Every once in a while, someone actually reads this hunk of junk, and I happen to know that someone actually is currently in the process of reading this hunk of junk, and I'm made to understand that this someone, for whatever reason, thinks I should write. So I'm writing. By the way, if you get the joke in the subject, form an orderly line, you're getting a medal.

Anywho

I recently filled my DVD rack. The last DVD to squeeze in was Live Free Or Die Hard. My rack filled an honorable filling. Having no formal place to put my DVDs, I slowed my movie purchasing. Slowed, not stopped. I turned my attention to music, my first love. Well, second. Gummi Bears broke my heart, I don't want to talk about it. But it didn't take long for my iPod to fill too. I still had room on the rack, but with no room on the iPod, I slowed the purchases of CDs to save up for a new one. The funny story is I actually thought this would work. Instead, I buy books now. My story starts as I check out at Borders.

The girl that was checking me out (both meanings) looked at my debit card and told me that I had a great last name. Talk about a crappy way to hit on me. I know my last name is the same as a video game. I've heard it every day since kindergarten. It'd be a really cool last name if I were related to the rich Kirbys up in Scranton. Perhaps she thought that I'd be charmed by such an observation, take her away to a drive-thru chapel in Vegas and she too could share this glorious last name. Instead, I just said "I know!" and avoided eye contact until I left. I've used cash for every purchase since.

Ladies and gentlemen, American Gladiators is coming back.

Read it and weep

This writers strike needs to be over soon. Really soon.

Sealand.

Not the place with the killer whales in tanks, the place with the killer whales on the back of their coins. Sealand is possibly the best nation on the planet. It's roughly 550 square meters, and has a total population of 27. It's a former UK fortress that some guy just decided to call a country. In it's 40 years of existence, it's had a forcible takeover and a nationwide fire. It's ruled over by Prince Paddy Roy Bates and one time when he left to go on vacation, the prime minister, Alexander G. Achenbach, and a few of his german and dutch cronies came in barrels blazing. Roy Bates came back with a helicopter and took it back. Achenbach was then charged with treason, and held for $35,000. Germany sent over a diplomat to negotiate his release and he went back to germany. He still claims himself to be the ruler of Sealand.

Here's where the story gets childish and hillarious: Achenbach handed over his claim to rulership to Johannes Sieger, who started printing Sealand passports and distributing them to whoever he felt like. These new passport owners were linked to a bunch of high profile crimes. I think this also happened in a Peter Sellers movie or two.

The best part is: the country is for sale for just under $1 billlion. I'm gonna start a collection.

It's weird, I keep hearing about how fast technology is changing and everything. I take half a year off from the internet, and still no on has been able to top the best website on the internet, www.willitblend.com

C'mon, internet, you're better than that.

I don't get why people don't like winter. It's a great season. So what if it's cold? The air is crisp, snow is pretty, nights are longer. What's the best cure for cold? Getting close to someone under the covers. Or liquor. Either way, you win. Plus when it's cold, you get Thanksgiving and Christmas, two feasts in one season. Get a jacket and realize that the world is clearly a more magical place between the months of November and March.

Other news: Help!, the beatles movie, is out on DVD. Pick it up, it's the only Beatles movie worth watching.

I'm back, motherfuckers. I kinda doubt anyone cares though.

Note: I don't care if you read this or not. It's mainly just for me. It'd be nice if you did, but don't worry about it.

When it comes to my life, I'm usually the first to crack a joke about an uncomfortable topic. It makes people feel more comfortable, it makes it easier for them to talk, which in turn makes it easy for me to talk. On the flip side, making light of the major events that have occured since the start of 2006 has caused some unfortunate side effects. I've lost contact with a lot of people because I basically go into hiding every now and then, and then the few people I do keep around, I end up taking any and all pent up frustration on, and that's a real dick move. So I'm gonna use this space to make the third and (hopefully) final entry on my dad.

A year and a bit later, my mind is still spinning about the whole thing. I was quite obviously not #1 in my dad's eyes. He and my brother always clashed more, but he was always more passive with me. I don't really know if this was my fault or his. In the long run, it was probably a combination of both. For a while, he was a good guy, but when things started going downhill and he would keep me up at night by yelling for hours at my mother for no real reason our relationship pretty much ended. It deteriorated to the point where I made conscious efforts to ignore him.

It's a pretty horrible thing, what my family did to him. We not only watched him waste away into alcoholism, but also complained about him behind his back. Instead of saying to him "You need help" we just told that to everyone but him. I take that back, we told him a couple times that he needed help, we just did nothing to try and help him. He always seemed to take this out on me the most though.

He would always get into screaming matches with my brother and mom, but never with me. I'm not saying "Man, I wish he'd just fuckin' rip into me", but just maybe a sentence or two to recognize my existence would've been nice. He never asked me how I was doing in school, who any of my friends were, or really cared about my life in general. When he was in the hospital and I rushed home from school, my mom, brother and myself went to his room. He chatted to the best of his ability when all 3 of us were there. My brother got uncomfortable and my mom went outside with him. My dad and me. I was just basically making small talk. He ignored me. Didn't look at me, didn't respond. Nothing. I can't go on with this right now, I'll try to pick it back up tomorrow.